I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
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I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
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My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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