i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
