He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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