12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you win again, gameday.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
