Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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