im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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