After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
