those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
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I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
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So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
there is glitter all over my balls
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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