every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
