Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
