just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
