the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
