shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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