Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
