we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Dick very happy bro
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
