Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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