i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
