I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
