Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
