If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize