So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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