i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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