Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
