am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
