I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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