rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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