Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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