I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
