He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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