I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
