I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
