wat bout pragnant strippers??
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
