his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
