I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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