i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
