he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
