How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
