This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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