If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
