i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
It was confusing and full of hummus
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
