are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
