what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
