I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
