Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
