Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
