i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
This baby is an asshole
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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