my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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