Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
