i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
