So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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