I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
