I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
