New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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