i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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