I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
