Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Someone came in the potted fern
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
