I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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