Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
