I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
